Make a grilled cheese for your child
Let him eat the middle
You eat the crusts
Congratulations on your pregnancy! You’re about to enter a world with more love than you’ve ever known. And more laundry than you know what to do with.
Here’s what you’re in for:
You clean everything with special detergent that smells like pink baby unicorns. Ooh and ah at the teeny tiny socks peeking from neat, color-coordinated piles. Marvel at the fact that all of baby’s clothes fit into just one drawer and baby’s blankets and sheets fit into another.
Week 1 and 2
Two drawers of baby’s dresser become dedicated to the slightly stiff swaddle blankets with hospital stripes that (ahem) somehow managed to get into your bag. That “going home outfit” you debated so much about? Baby will either have thrown up on it or pooped out its side in the gap between tiny leg and diaper. Or both. Yes, you completely under-appreciated the hospital’s laundry service.
Weeks 3 and 4
Baby outgrows all newborn clothing one day between breakfast and lunch. (Not that baby has any sense time.) The majority of outfits you cooed over at the baby shower go into a storage tub. The rest that still fit are either in the dryer or sitting in the basket emanating the smell of curdled milk.
Months 2 and 3
Baby’s epic blowouts involve you cutting off onesies and throwing them in the trash. Pajamas and daytime clothes become interchangeable. You give up on the cloth changing pad cover because you keep forgetting to buy another. Plus, wiping plastic down is easier than decontaminating it one. more. time.
Months 4 to 12
You are in awe of each milestone and the fact that such a small human can generate such enormous piles of dirty clothes. You think your machine could break and suspect it’s eating small socks in protest. You won’t be able to find matching socks if your life depended on it. This is fine. All baby wants to do is chew on them anyway, preferably while wearing them.
Thirteen to 24 Months
These months will all be one big blur involving mashed carrot splotches, yogurt splotches, spaghetti sauce splotches, grass stains, and that-better-be-chocolate splotches.
24 Months to 35 Months
Are you really still counting months? Okay then. Baby’s mobility combined with a new sense of discovery equals a destructive force to reckon with. And those aren’t armholes. They’re holes through the knees of baby’s pants. All of them.
Baby is no longer a baby (or a toddler for that matter). You’ve officially got a “big kid”! Big kid has a strong opinion. So when big kid wishes to wear a favorite pair fire truck pajamas to pre-school every single day, you might as well go with it. It’s less laundry.
Well, I can check that one off my list. And before the month is over to boot! Here’s proof.
However, both “be more active” and “eat less cookies” are still work in progress. Better check back with me on those in February. Or never.
The thought definitely matters. The presentation? Well, that’s up for grabs. So I’ve created 10 tips for wrapping those perfectly thoughtful presents a little less than perfectly. Okay, okay a lot less:
1. Don’t buy enough wrapping paper
Nothing says Merry Christmas like neon Happy Birthday paper. This will lead into a natural discussion of the birth of Christ and the reason Christmas exists in the first place. It’ll be like you planned it. Almost.
Because I live in fear of this scenario, I have the reverse problem:
Every time I buy Christmas wrapping paper, I realize I already had Christmas wrapping paper.
— Taylor Family (@TheYuleLog) December 18, 2011
2. Don’t buy enough “Santa” paper
Santa’s favorite method of wrapping is a stocking. He fills it with small items curated by elves and calls it a night. If Santa also chooses to use wrapping paper on larger gifts in your house, be sure to he’s stocked up. A half wrapped sled is sadder than a sled wrapped in its entirety.
3. Don’t buy enough gift-wrap tape
4. If it has adhesive on one side, consider it gift-wrap tape
This includes masking, duct, packaging, painter’s, medical and athletic varieties as they can all get the job done. Band-Aids work too, but if you have to resort to them you’ve reached a new low, friends.
5. Accidentally purchase reusable adhesive tape
You’ve got more than enough tape. Hooray! However, you discover at 10:30pm on Christmas Eve that what looks like normal gift-wrap tape is actually the repositionable kind with Sticky Note-style adhesive. Turns out Sticky Notes aren’t all that sticky. This will not end well.
6. Find those adorably festive gift tags December 26th
But you’ll so totally use them next year!
7. Spill alcohol on a present
You only need to rewrap if it absorbs before you wipe it off.
8. Bleed on a present
Wrapping paper cuts sting. However, wounds from its cardboard tube gouge far deeper. Good thing you have Band-Aids.
9. Hide at least one present so well you lose it completely
With any luck, it’ll turn up right before a birthday.
10. Don’t wrap Santa’s presents until the last possible minute
Late night fatigue leads to impatience which leads to gifts getting wrapped progressively worse. The plus side? Leaving Santa’s for last means there’s someone other than you to take the heat.
In the end, it doesn’t matter whether your presents look like they have been wrapped by magical Pinterest elves or angry trolls. The most important thing is a room full of smiles on Christmas morning.